Okay so I know that I already posted about stress, but that one was about boys and crushes. I guess this one is too. Anyway, somebody mentioned getting married in one of their posts and I just had to talk about that.
I have my whole wedding planned. The whole thing. I know who my bridesmaids will be, I know who two of the groom’s men will be (very good friends of mine who my husband will be required to take on as groom’s men), I know the theme (broadway), when I make new friends or get mad at people I mentally add or delete them from the guest list, I know the venue (country club garden under a tent), there will be a string quartet, and my dress will be… Actually don’t even get me started on the dress; one of the few things I don’t know is who the groom will be (I mean I have a few ideas, but nothing solid yet) and that itty bitty completely consequential fact stresses me out, but that’s not the worst part.
You see, although I know a lot of things for a surety, I’m terrified of getting married. Whenever I think about it so many things come up: What if I get married to early, what if I marry the wrong man, what if I get married too late, what if I never get married, what if I’m a terrible wife, what I’m just never ready? And of course the worst one by far: What if no man ever loves me? These are all probably irrational fears, but I just can’t help worrying, and then I just worry my self into a wreck, then I am deleted from the guest list and I mentally rip all of my plans off of my internal bulletin board, and I
almost cry. Why did I ever think I could be beautiful? Of course I’m not going to get married! Who would ever be even remotely interested in marrying me? It’s a deep black hole.
Usually at that point I’ll call or text my best friend and cry to him (he’s so used to it, it’s sad) and he’ll just talk to me: “you’re beautiful; of course someone will love you, someone loves you now; you will be ready, just make sure you really know the man before you decide you want to marry him; it will all work out in the end.” And although it doesn’t really convince me, it makes me feel better to talk to him.
And then we distract each other, talk about something happy, he tells me to eat ice cream, and I pretend that I don’t want to, and he pretends to believe me and then I eat ice cream and it all gets better.
Then I think about my wedding, repost my plans, reinvite myself, re-RSVP, and I become happy again.
No more marriage thoughts for me.